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HOBBIT TALES

BY KATHY LENTZ
Hobbits - An imaginary race of half-sized people living in holes, who have been discovered by curious Buena Vista folk in hillsides near creeks and streams.
CHAPTER 1

These Arkansas Valley Hobbits are unique. That's because their ancestors, led by the tall, legendary Hobbit Gregor Goonspeak, left their peaceful farmland homes to go "adventurin". No one really knows why. (Most Hobbits are around 3 feet tall, while Gregor was 4 feet 9 inches. ​ There is some evidence that these Ark Valley Hobbits fish and pan for gold in the many mountain streams, but no human beyond the age of 12 yrs will admit to ever seeing them. The only circumstantial evidence that might possibly prove Hobbits' existence in the Ark Valley is the old name for what is now the the Book Nook, when it was once called "The Hobbit House". (I've heard it whispered that there's a Hobbit Hole in their cellar!) Now if you're a stodgy human adult, you're probably scoffing, "Humph! Fairy Tales!" If you're a kid at heart, you're probably singing, "Tell me more!"

CHAPTER 2

As in any advanced society, the Ark Valley Hobbit Clan’s Chief Tale-Teller (Catty) is a popular elderwoman who must be constantly fed with Silverbell Cakes and Eddy’s Brew. (So that she doesn’t tell tales about you.) So, when Seri, a mid-ager, met Catty while out shopping the other day, she asked ‘What’s new, Catty.’ Catty snorted, ‘If you’ll pop inside for a sip of ‘Eddy’s Brew, ‘I’ll be tellin’ you the latest about Filly’s youngest.’ Like all good Hobbit mommas, Seri was always eager to hear Catty’s newest tale. Both mommas wrapped hands around mugs of Eddy’s Hot Ale. ‘Well, what about Filly’s youngest? ’ asked Seri. ‘Fawn, she is and a mid-tween, maybe 24 and ready for mischief. Starting to want her own Hobbit Hole, if you take my meaning.’ Seri nodded. (Tweens are Hobbits coming- of-age between 20-35 or so, the age group referred to as Terrible Tweens.) ‘The busybody, Rumer, saw her riding a burro into the woods upriver a ways. Now, where do you suppose she was going to?” ‘Well, where was Fawn going?’ asked Seri. Catty smacked her lips over Eddy’s Brew and said, ‘Top it up, Eddy. Up to no good was Fawn, you can be sure when she rode that burro into the woods. That twas yester and she hain’t been seen since. Aye and Topher (Ark Valley Clan Chief) is gathering a ‘Findin’ Troop now.” Seri stood up shakily, ‘I best go fix food for the Finders. Hungry tummies don’t think so well. Is it mischief you’re thinkin?’ ‘Oh, aye,’ Catty whispered. ‘Tis said those Big Folk like to capture wild things for pets. They use traps covered with sticky bun syrup. No Tween can resist that!’ ‘Let’s hope they get a skunk for their trouble,’ said Seri as she paid for their Hot Ales.

CHAPTER 3

Meals are central to Hobbit identity. Breakfast: tea, muffins, toast with jam, fruit. Heavier breakfast: eggs, sausage, bacon, cakes. 2nd Breakfast: coffee, sausages, muffins. Elevenses: coffee, toast, pastry. Luncheon: cold meat, potatoes, soup. Afternoon Tea: scones, biscuits, jam, clotted cream, coffee, tea, mead. Dinner: mutton, beef or game (hare, pheasant),vegetables. Supper: meat pies, boiled eggs, pastries, wine, ale. Tis well-known that a Hobbit is always hungry, especially for mushrooms, sticky bun syrup & pickles. (To name a few favorites.) Next morning while the Hobbit Finders were readying their gear and eating ‘our last meal,’ moaned some of them, Fawn was quietly humming, “My Own Home Hole” just outside the spot she’d chosen as her very own Hobbit Hole. More than a hole, different from a cave, Fawn’s chosen Home was at the roots of an ancient willow. She had carefully trimmed back some large roots so she could stand and move about under the willow’s interlocking roots. It was on its way to becoming a perfect Hobbit Hole, well- hidden from casual view by a thick hedge of scrub oak. Last night, she had made a comfy sleeping spot in a dark corner and happily spent her first time ever away from Topher and her momma Tulip’s Hole. Now Fawn set about unloading the wee burro’s back. Most precious items came first: a jar of starter to make Dwarf Dough; pine nuts; clay jars of honey, pickles - all the foodstuffs to feed a hungry Tween Hobbit. Next came a deck of cards, tiny tins of paint, fuzzy yarn, needles of all shapes and sizes, candle wax, pots for cooking and making. Fawn was resting after unpacking and chomping on a golden apple when she heard it. “Halloo, Halloo, Fawn dearest, where be ya?” She knew her dadda’s voice, Topher, clan chief. “Fiddlegum, they found me!” breathed Fawn. Quickly, she led the little burro into her dugout, hoping that the scrub oak barrier would hide them. And she wondered which would be the lesser fate: becoming pet for a Big One’s family or being led back to the village in disgrace. Empty hope it was, for Topher was a famous tracker who could find a hare’s burrow merely by sniffing. Nevertheless, Fawn hoped.

CHAPTER 3A

Lately there has been speculation among staff and visitors of the Book Nook as to the origin of ‘Ned’s Nook.’ The nook was named by Chris, former Book Nook manager, This is what he told me about the Hobbit, Ned. (Author’s Note) One day in early December I heard an unholy scratching outside the back of the Nook, coming from underneath the cellar door. The scratching was accompanied by some mad-as-a-peacock wailing. ‘Bugleboo Undies, let me out!’ Course I stood still from shock for a few secs, but soon had the cellar door open. There sat a sight I hope to never behold again. Twas a filthy mop-headed boyish figure whose smallish balled-up fists were banging on my shins. ‘Whoa there laddiie,‘ said I, ‘Yer free now.’ ‘Ned is no laddie! In Hobbiton, I, Ned, am honorable elder,’ the three foot high critter huffed. ‘Well, Boyo,’ my six-foot high self responded, ‘Yer not in Hobwhatever now. This Book Nook place, in whose cellar you’re trespassing, is in Riverton, aside the Ark River.’ Seemed this Ned creature, who I soon discovered was a Hobbit, a strange group of small humans who live in holes in hills, told me a tale ye won’t believe about getting lost from his kinfolk, and waking up locked in this cellar, with no memory in between. Hey there, I didn make this tale - twas told to me by Ned Hobbit hisself. After I provided this Ned critter a manly-sized breakfast from Jan’s, Ned let me know that he’d be making the cellar his home, - till something better comes along. All he asked of me was a steady stream of Hobbit food - It so happens we share the joy of constant eating. As for hjs yearning for ale, he discovered Eddy’s Brewery close by and became a frequent visitor to the outdoor vats. In exchange for room and board in the cellar, Ned agreed to create a nook in the Hobbit House (Book Nook) where he would ‘work’ for two hours a night, spending the rest of the night as curious hobbits do, exploring the environs round here. As to his adventures doing so, I know not. If ye ask to see Ned’s cellar hole, ye’ll find nothing but a dirt floor, black widows and rattlesnakes as his tidy, comfy Cellar Hole appears to nosy strangers.

CHAPTER 4

Note from J.R.R. Tolkien:“They possessed from the first the art of disappearing swiftly and silently, when large folk whom they do not wish to meet come blundering by; and this art they have developed until to Men it may seem magical.” Before we digressed with the story of Ned’s Nook, Fawn’s Da, Topher was looking for her and was close to finding her new Hobbit Hole. So, let’s continue. Though knowing of this Hobbit ‘disappearing art,’ Fawn wasn’t sure it would allow her to avoid her father, so she held her breath and waited. Topher was so close now that she could hear him sniffing for her scent. “Arf, arf, sniff, sniff,” it was a dog, not Topher. Fawn concentrated harder on the disappearing art she’d been taught as a tot. A scuffle from a wood mouse nearby and the dog was away. For the first time, Fawn questioned her desire to live wild, away from all other Hobbits. Would she always have to hide from her kin? As she hugged herself close, a single tear shone on her cheek. And, despite her passionate wish for independence, she yearned for her dada’s arms. Was it possible to have both? Later, Fawn wandered the woods gathering firewood, dreaming of a meal with meat -sometime. ‘Course,I can always borrow bacon or sausage from Ma & Da’s Home Hole,’ she mused. ‘But for now I’ll make do.’ A teeny waft of air tickled Fawn’s nose. Mushrooms! Nearby! And there it was – a patch of delicious button mushrooms – Fawn stuffed a handful into her mouth. Another teeny waft of air – sticky syrup drops on a tree branch next to the buttons. What to eat first, or next, or before or after that! Impossible to decide! As she reached her finger for the sticky drops, her arm was grabbed firmly and she was pulled roughly into a cage buried in leaves and sticks and a rough cloth was shoved in her mouth. She fainted. (Hobbits NEVER faint!!!) When Fawn woke with her hands tied in front of her and head bursting with ache, she heard laughter – not hobbit laughing, for sure, but more like giggling –a sound new to her. Then a face close to her –smooth, freckly, cheery. “Got ya!” the red-cheeked face said. “My very own Hobbit pet!” This was a Big Folk! But not a big, Big Folk. Same size as Fawn, with short legs, round tummy, tousled brown hair with non-Hobbit ears poking out- strange looking ears with no pointy tip at the top. The smiling face was friendly and a dirty hand held a mushroom under her nose. Since Topher was nowhere nearby, Fawn knew this situation was hers to handle alone. The smallish human held the mushroom closer until it tickled her nose. “Take a bite, little one –Hobbits love shrooms, eh?” Though Fawn understood the human’s words, its manners seemed strange. Hobbits knew Big Folk had loud, raucous voices, so painful to a Hobbit’s ears that they tended to avoid humans whenever possible. This one’s voice was soothing and kind. It took some time and much patience for Fawn to convince the wee human that she would not be a good pet. ‘In fact, Hobbits such as me cannot live away from our homes. In captivity we dry up and float away on the wind, like fallen leaves. (So, too would our nose drop off at the stink of you!--- Thought but not spoken) And Fawn began to make weeping noises whereupon the human child patted her on her head and said, “Oh please don’t cry, I won’t hurt you.” That was when both Fawn and the human each heard their own father’s cry coming from two different directions “Child, where are you?” They looked at each other, saying, “I have to go now!” Next moment Topher was beside Fawn, releasing her from her bonds, holding her tight in strong arms. And for a brief while, Fawn forgot about her own new home hole. “Let’s go home, Little One,” Topher said. But Fawn hesitated: something felt new, different, in her chest. “‘I am home, Da,” she replied.

CHAPTER 5

General Hobbit Description. About 3 ft tall, more or less, short legs, slightly pointed ears, furry feet with leathery soles resulting in mostly never wearing shoes. Girls & women wore a corset over a simple blouse, a swishy skirt, apron when working, cloak when adventuring. No headwear, just dark curls. World Wide Web – Hobbit/Description Note from Author: Fawn’s head was still woozy with the ‘sleepy syrup’ the human child had given her and she regretted her abrupt words to her Da. But when Topher asked for Hobbit Hospitality at Fawn’s Home, Fawn refused, saying, “Da, I need my very own Home, my very own adventures, freedom to make my very own mistakes.” “Oh, aye,’ said Da..’’Seems another Tween called Topher said the same thing once. I’d like permission to visit, though.” “In time,” said Fawn. “We’ll know the right time.” ‘Would the right time be when your larder is empty, Child?’ Topher looked closely at Fawn’s lips which were trembling oh so slightly, a sure sign a Tween is skirting very near to telling a fib. ‘Oh, Da, I’ll be fine, not to worry yourself.’ While a worried Topher returned to Hobbiton alone, Fawn returned to her Home Hole and found the one book she’d managed to bring with her, settled herself and began reading an ancient Hobbit tome about Bilbo’s adventures called ’There and Back Again.’ It was that book which awakened the need for learning new things that every Tween discovered sooner or later. Though her empty belly rumbled, excitement filled that tummy hole. For now. Hobbit Tweens memorize the Bilbo Baggins story for he is a legend in Hobbit lore and his story is considered the pinnacle of Adventure for Hobbits to aspire to. Each Hobbit Tween imagined themself in Bilbo’s shoes, albeit a different adventure from Bilbo’s One Ring. Some hobbit lads and lasses saw their adventure starting and ending in a Hobbit Hole, often that of their momma and da-da. And, for them, that was enough. But a few, like Fawn, were both admired and criticized for their tendency to come very close to breaking Hobbit norms. Ah, well, didn’t Bilbo experience some misunderstanding about his quest, too? Besides Bilblo’s story, Fawn also knew the tale of a not so long-ago Tween lassie, name of Bellbottom, who left her Home to venture out on her own. Trouble is, no one knew what had happened to her. She just disappeared. Fawn had her doubts about that story. She knew she’d be scoffed at if she told that she knew that Bellbottom’s adventure just began with her disappearance. She knew that, for sure, because of a recurrent dream where Bellbottom invited Fawn into her story. Though Fawn had so far refused Bellbottom’s invitation in favor of wanting her own adventure, she wished she could share a meal with Bellbottom and listen to her story. But present needs first. Tween hunger is nothing to take lightly. It is like a crying infant who insists on being plugged into food, NOW! . And that hunger was mightily affecting Fawn just now. ‘Foolish, Foolish Fawn,’ she stomped around her nearly empty larder. ‘A Tween needs to eat six meals a day, seven when she can, and what have I et today? Shrooms, lots of shrooms! Not enough for a hungry, growing Tween!’ Later, after tantrumming for awhile, Fawn mixed a batch of Dwarf Dough, setting it in the sun to rise. But how was she to fill her empty larder? Return to her former Home Hole and beg for food? ‘Out of the question!’ fumed Fawn. ‘Not gonna happen!’ She recognized there was no other possibility - unless - no, no, not the Big Folk! But then again, hunger has a logic all its own so why not the small human one. Fawn considered this thread of thought - perhaps the small one felt a wee bit guilty after capturing her; perhaps he’d like to make amends? The beginning of a huge Hobbit Tween grin lifted itself despite impending starvation. ‘I’ll find him - he looks well-fed, probably a foot or more taller than me and surely he knows where to get food. And I’m sure he’ll be moved by my ‘poor little me’ stuff.’ Finding the human child was relatively easy. Fawn’s new Home Hole was on the same side of the Ark River as the Village of Riverton. Twas a short walk to the village, a moment to adjust her Disappearing Art and she was off. She found the child running about with other children; he seemed too dazed to respond when she appeared from nowhere beyond saying, ‘What in blazes!’ then hurried after her. ‘Stay close until we get deeper in the woods,.’ Fawn said. The poor boy was too flummoxed to protest. At least just then.

INTERLUDE

Ned Hobbit (he who makes his Home Hole in the cellar of the Book Nook) and Fawn Tween Hobbit (she who is the main protagonist of Hobbit Tales) ask that the telling of ‘Hobbit Tales’ be postponed until Ned and Fawn have a pow-wow about certain points of Hobbitonia that are about to be revealed in the Hobbit Tales. Ned, who is night manager at the Book Nook (aka Hobbit House) was recently contacted by Fawn Tween because, she said, ‘That elder who’s writing the story keeps asking me things about Hobbit History. And, Uncle Ned, you know that’s what all you elders do around the fire while yer sippin’ yer ale. You tell each other stories all bout the ‘bygone times.’ Seems that’s about all you do until time for a bedtime snack. Please, can you tell that nosy elder human that she can talk to you and not me?’ ‘Hmm, well she did let me keep my Hole in her cellar, eh? Seems like a fair trade to me. But only for Hobbit History. You have to tell her what happens to you and Robbie. OK?’ ‘It’s a deal, Unc.’ And that’s how it happened that this author decided to make some Hobbitonia perfectly clear to whoever may still be reading. Let’s see if we can summarize this Hobbit-Human history. It is told by long-ago Hobbit elders that Human and Hobbit began as the same critter. There is no knowledge about whether those ancestors were short, tall, curly headed, furry-footed, big or small-toed, long or short-lived. At some point they became as they are today. Even then, with their physical differences, they tended to live close to each other and traded and even danced together. Who knows what happened for some Hobbits and some Humans had quarreled big time and separated into different towns and ways of living. Among that group were the Haters and the Tolerators. As to other Human and Hobbit colonies, they just sorta grew apart, considering each other distant cousins and every year come together for a week-long reunion, celebrating their common ancestry with hootin’, hollerin’ and all manner of hi-jinks and fol-de-rol. And they do so until this day. As to the Tolerators, many live close by (but not next-door) to each other. That is the case with Hobbiton and Riverton - they tolerate each other’s existence across the River and occasionally when absolutely necessary conduct trade. There are a few Hobbits and a few Humans who share the Ark River who remain Haters. No one knows who they are but of course children from each camp are warned that, if they misbehave, ‘Be careful or the Hobbit Crone (or the Human Troll) will get ye! Also be warned that when Haters hate, they are not satisfied with maiming or disabling the ‘enemy’. Only beheading will do. No wonder the little ones are afraid! And so, sharing ancestors as it seems they do (there’s some controversy there but nothing very scholarly or serious) isn’t it a conundrum some just can’t get along with each other. By the way, there’s no such critter as a ‘Hubit’ as the two groups don’t mate. Hopefully you will now enjoy Hobbit Tales’ with a bit more background. See you next month when ‘Hobbit Tales’ continues. Are you wonderin’ the same thing I’m wonderin’? That is: where does that leave Robbie & Fawn? If you have an idea (cuz i don’t) please leave a message with Ned at the Book Nook. So, with your basic knowledge of Human/Hobbit history, the story continues.

Stayed tuned for the next installment...

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